I am now 30 weeks pregnant and although I am so very excited to finally meet my baby after what feels like so long, I also feel a little bereft. I have enjoyed the time that I have had on my own while being signed off work and have thoroughly enjoyed using that time to work more on my writing. Already I know I will miss this time and I have tried my best to not take a single moment for granted.
What
is more intimidating now is that my life is completely changing and
permanently changing. When I got married, it was not such a
re-adjustment in my life as I never really led the traditional single
life. However, soon I will no longer have my own life. As a mother my
life will be forever intertwined with someone else’s. I have enjoyed
caring for my niece and nephews. However during the midnight feeds and
the incessant crying, the rocking to sleep I always knew it was for a
short period and in effect I can hand the child over and return to my
life. Soon I will be unable to do that. For me that
is extremely daunting. Will I be good enough? Will I
know instinctively when my baby needs me? Not only that, but my body has
and is still changing so much, even though I was never particularly
‘body proud’ prior to my pregnancy. I’m proud of my pregnancy bump but
the thought of my body no longer belonging to me alone is not something I
have been able to easily comprehend.
I
have never been ambitious in terms of a career and always felt my
career would develop once I had children. This belief became
increasingly prevalent as I embarked on a number of jobs that were
primarily to assist me to reach my goal of a family life and not any
vocational advancements. On top of becoming a mother for the first time,
I am now thinking of where I want my career to take me. I know I want
to progress more with my writing and of course to be published would be
my ultimate goal. However, I have a family to take care of, there are
never-ending bills to pay so I will need a day job while I continue to
pursue my dream.How many dreams can one person chase? Motherhood vs a career. My dream is to be a mother and I believe being a parent is the most important, demanding, frightening and exciting job there is. The most unnerving aspect is there is no job description or person specification to follow. It is very much learning on the job.
I have absolutely loved being pregnant, I can genuinely say I have loved every single moment. Despite the effects of Thalassemia I know that it is all worthwhile. I can not understand why people have felt sorry for me due to the complications; even though I am scared to venture out on my own and scared of even driving in case I faint or become too dizzy. As I sit here now, the room is spinning and although I have had to learn a different breathing technique to help me become less breathless, I have enjoyed every kick from the baby; every ache; every pain. Motherhood is most definitely a labour of love. I understand that now.
So although my life will never be the same again that is not necessarily a bad thing. My purpose in life will soon be tangible and soon enough I will be most likely sitting here writing another blog post wishing for these days back again. If motherhood is really learning on the job, the first lesson I’ve learnt is to appreciate the time I have because it will be over before I know it.
It’s important to not miss where we have been but to look forward to where we are going.
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